Published in the Quad-City Times on Sep. 5, 2024

The NFL season starts Thursday night, and I’m absolutely amped. I’ve missed that Sunday feeling.

The tired remote fingers from switching between games in the fourth quarter. The NFL on FOX theme song. The hope before my favorite team’s early Sunday afternoon kickoff. The devastation after a comically unique game-losing gaffe causes my favorite team to become a punchline, ruins the rest of my evening and triggers a spiral into bleak existential panic and deep despair that can only be healed by a win the ensuing weekend. 

Sorry, I’m a Vikings fan.

Anyways — ahead of football’s glorious return, I wanted to prepare in the only way I know how: crafting an arbitrary, unserious list of songs.

I’m a mild ball knower and a major music knower, so I’m putting these two obsessions together to form a list of tracks that represent my expectations for NFL teams this season. 

Baltimore Ravens: “Runnin’ Out Of Excuses” by Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties

Lamar Jackson is elite. John Harbaugh is great. But how many more playoff losses can Ravens fans stomach? This twangy, emo track from Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties has a line about the Bills that feels on the nose for Baltimore, too. 

“Thought this was our year,” it goes. “I guess I always do.” 

You never want to relate to a lyric about the Bills.

Pittsburgh Steelers: “Fix You” by Coldplay

The entire fate of the Steelers’ season is resting in the hands of Justin Fields and Russell Wilson, two renovation projects. Can the league’s most consistent coach Mike Tomlin — as Coldplay puts it — ignite the bones and fix one of these guys? I’m not too optimistic. At least the towels are cool.

Cleveland Browns: “Going through The Motions” by Sleepaway Camp

The title of this lovely lo-fi folk track from Sleepaway Camp is a good descriptor for this upcoming Browns season, because they just didn’t make many splashy changes to an underwhelming 2023 team. They won’t be bad. They won’t be a contender, either. They’ll certainly play 17 football games this season, and I’ll certainly watch some of them. 

Cincinnati Bengals: “money machine” by 100 Gecs

The money machine that hyperpop duo 100 Gecs sings about is exactly what the Bengals are gonna need to afford contracts for all three of Ja’Marr Chase, Tee Higgins and Joe Burrow. But it probably won’t sound as fun. 

Jacksonville Jaguars: “Weird Florida” by Camp Trash

The Jaguars overpaid a few guys, but Trevor Lawrence and Doug Pederson are the real deal, so this team is one of the toughest to predict in 2024. 

Things are weird in Jacksonville. They kind of always are. 

Tennessee Titans: “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney

I can’t help but feel optimism about the Titans this season. They’ve made shrewd additions across the roster, added a skilled offensive coach and have a young quarterback with a lot of tools. It’s possible to be amazed by this team this season, I really believe it. 

Indianapolis Colts: “Healthy” by Why Bonnie

If Anthony Richardson stays healthy, I think the Colts shock a lot of people. If Anthony Richardson stays healthy, I think he’s one of the best quarterbacks in football. If Anthony Richardson stays healthy, I win my fantasy football league. If Anthony Richardson stays healthy.

Houston Texans: “AMERICA HAS A PROBLEM” by Beyoncé

I had to lean on Houston’s own Bey for this one, because America really does have a problem. We let the Texans, last year’s most exciting upstart, get Stefon Diggs, Joe Mixon and Danielle Hunter.

New England Patriots: “It’s Not My Fault” by Briston Maroney

The Patriots are going to be bad, regardless of who starts at quarterback. But if it’s first round pick Drake Maye out there, kneejerk reactors will want to call him a bust. Don’t do it. It’s not his fault. It’s not his fault!

Miami Dolphins: “Do It Faster” by Militarie Gun

It’s already a nightmare to defend two of the fastest receivers in the NFL when playing the Dolphins. But now, they have two speedy young running backs in De’Von Achane and Jaylen Wright, too?

Watch these games at 75% speed so you can keep up. 

Buffalo Bills: “Easy On Your Own?” by Alvvays

This is a great song, and Josh Allen is a great quarterback. But we’re about to learn a lot about his ability to put a team on his back. The Bills lost two starting receivers and a whole lot of defensive contributors, too. I’m a believer, but it won’t be easy.

New York Jets: “Risk” by Deftones

Deftones’ songs are almost as abrasive as Aaron Rodgers’ podcast appearances. Putting all your eggs in his basket is a sketchy proposition. But nothing bad has ever happened to the New York Football Jets, so I’m sure it’ll be fine. 

Kansas City Chiefs: “State of Grace” by Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift’s best song goes out to the league’s best team, who remain in a state of grace after winning the Super Bowl and adding two speedsters in Hollywood Brown and Xavier Worthy. 

“This is the golden age of something good and right and real,” Swift sings, and Travis Kelce listens, kicking his heels. 

Las Vegas Raiders: “For Reasons Unknown” by The Killers

I don’t know if the Raiders know what direction they’re heading in. They aren’t quite rebuilding, but aren’t quite contending either. Like the title of this absolute heater from Las Vegas’ greatest band, I just don’t understand the rationale behind most of their decisions. 

Los Angeles Chargers: “Are We The Waiting / St. Jimmy” by Green Day

“It’s comedy, and tragedy,” this pop-punk marathon goes. “It’s St. Jimmy.”

St. Jimmy is, of course, Jim Harbaugh. The chosen one. The coach to either end the Los Angeles Chargers’ decades of curses, or give the rest of us a few years of good laughs. Either way, sign me up for watching Justin Herbert sling it behind a meaner offensive line.

Denver Broncos: “Things Will Get Worse” by Harrison Gordon

The Broncos may have lost Justin Simmons, Jerry Jeudy and Lloyd Cushenberry III, but at least they brought in — checks notes — Josh Reynolds? 

Sorry, Broncos fans, it’s going to be a long season. 

Dallas Cowboys: “get him back!” by Olivia Rodrigo

The fact the Cowboys still haven’t re-signed Dak Prescott is ridiculous. This Olivia Rodrigo pop banger about the push-and-pull of a love-hate relationship is about how I picture the contract negotiations between Prescott and the stubborn Jerry Jones. The break-up will not be pretty. 

New York Giants: “New York, I Love You but You’re Bringing Me Down” by LCD Soundsystem

The title of this LCD Soundsystem opus speaks for itself.

Daniel Jones? Really? Still?

Washington Commanders: “I Will Buy You A New Life” by Everclear

Can you buy your way from struggle to success? I don’t really think so. But we’ll find out this season, after the Commanders invested heavily in older free agents like Austin Ekeler and Bobby Wagner.

At the very least, rookie QB Jayden Daniels gets to grow in the garden where flowers can bloom that Everclear describes on this ’90s pop rock classic. 

Philadelphia Eagles: “Hurts To Have Fun” by Belt

The rich got richer in Philly this offseason, by adding Saquon Barkley and yet another nice draft class to a team already flush with talent. I don’t think football is what Nashville alt-rock band Belt had in mind with this song. But Jalen Hurts will certainly have fun this season. 

Atlanta Falcons: “One Headlight” by The Wallflowers

This has nothing to do with the Falcons. I just think Kirk Cousins would like this song. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: “Temporary Fix” by One Direction

The Buccaneers in the post-Tom Brady era seem addicted to slapping band-aids on problems. At some point, Mike Evans and Chris Godwin will decline. The Baker Mayfield magic will wear off. The defense will regress. Right?

(This is One Direction’s best song, by the way.)

Carolina Panthers: “Sad in Carolina” by Dexter and The Moonrocks

“I feel like I’m sick of you being stuck in your ways

But you still complain

Yeah you’re just too much to take

I’m sad in Carolina”

New Orleans Saints: “Relatively Easy” by Jason Isbell

The Saints look great on defense, but look directionless on offense. Still, it will be hard for the team from the Big Easy to not at least somewhat succeed with their “Relatively Easy” schedule, ranked fifth easiest in the league. Of course, those numbers are inflated by six games against their weaker division, and deflated by the fact they’re led by Derek Carr.

Los Angeles Rams: “Lost In Los Angeles” by Middle Kids

The glow has worn off the Rams since winning the Super Bowl three years ago. They’ve lost a lot of firepower. They’ve spent a lot of money. They’ve gotten older. They’re probably going to lose more games than you think.

Seattle Seahawks: “Missing You” by Chance The Rapper

I’ve got high hopes for new head coach Mike Macdonald, but Pete Carroll is going to be missed in Seattle. He shaped that team’s identity for the glory years of the mid-’10s, and he gave us non-Seahawks fans some incredible soundbites and clips in the process. The new era is here, but Seahawks games will feel weird without Bubble Yum’s biggest customer on the sideline. 

Arizona Cardinals: “Embrace The Martian” by Kid Cudi

I don’t think anybody is calling Marvin Harrison Jr. “The Martian” yet, but they should. It’s a good nickname, because the rookie receiver has unworldly talent and is going to take off this year. 

If Kyler Murray and the Cardinals lean into him, I think Arizona could be a real pest for any team they play. 

San Francisco 49ers: “Almost Was Good Enough” by Songs: Ohia

I enjoy this track from Songs: Ohia considerably more than I enjoy watching the 49ers fall short when it counts. At some point, almost is not good enough.

But the most talented roster in football will still be menacing.

Chicago Bears: “I Know There’s Gonna Be (Good Times)” by Jamie xx

Bears fans, I know it’s been a long century. But I truly believe that this is it. The good times are right around the corner. 

New quarterback Caleb Williams is the real deal, and so is his star rookie receiver Rome Odunze. There will absolutely be growing pains. But things are looking up. Enjoy it while you can.

Detroit Lions: “We Could Die Like This” by The Wonder Years

Have Lions fans ever had it this good? Seriously, if I was a Detroit fan, I would be fine if this is as good as it gets, forever. It sure beats 0-16. 

Or, alternatively: This catchy punk song from a band led by Dan Campbell has as much muscle as the calves on Lions head coach Dan Campbell.

Green Bay Packers: “Love, Try Not To Let Go” by Julia Jacklin

If Jordan Love can keep up his hot streak from the end of last season, the Packers are going to be a problem. If he falls back to Earth, then it might be a tough year to be in such a stacked NFC North. 

Either way, I’m going to be listening to a lot of Julia Jacklin, and saving up for tickets to Green Bay’s yearly downfall in San Francisco.

Minnesota Vikings: “Superman, The Gift and The Curse” by Jon Bellion

Superman: Justin Jefferson, the greatest wide receiver in football. 

The Gift: A new young quarterback in JJ McCarthy, paired with a brilliant leader and clever playcaller in head coach Kevin O’Connell. 

The Curse: Being a Minnesota Vikings fan who is never, ever, allowed to have good things.